THE PIECE YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS SATIRE
I know most of us are familiar with AutoCorrect. This is an application installed on cellular phones which automatically corrects misspelled words when the user sends a text. The AutoCorrect application takes it upon itself to correct items it believes are wrong, removing the user as thinking mediator.
Well now there is a new app! AutoBibleCorrect! Yes, all one needs to do is overlay the app on their online version of their Bible, whether it is on your phone or on your favorite website like BibleHub or BibleGateway, or on your tablet or even Kindle. AutoBibleCorrect works for all digital versions of the Bible.
Here is how it works. All Apps need updating. Yet, we know that the Bible has not been updated for over 2000 years. Some parts have not been updated for 4000 years! When an app isn't updated regularly, it becomes clunky and hard to use. It becomes difficult to understand. Then the outdated app become obsolete. Don't let this happen to your Digital Bible!
The old Bible has too many thees and thous and verilys. It commands things, it judges, and it's just not loving enough. And God is love, right? We know that God has evolved over these thousands of years, so why not update His word! That's the genius of AutoBibleCorrect, or ABC.
Humans have advanced so very much since 4000 years ago, and we are no longer ignorant shepherds in the desert looking at the stars for information. Let's face it, we're smarter now. Some of the things in the Bible are just ridiculously uneducated. Donkeys that talk? A God who judges? Come on! Image is everything, and the last thing we Christians want to look like is uneducated. It is important to be hip, cool, and relevant, like the Buddhists. Everybody knows this.
How it works: You open your digital Bible (because no one has a dusty old tome they drag around anymore, do they?). Then click ON for the AutoBibleCorrect (ABC). As you bring up your verses, the App automatically corrects any text that appears on your screen. The texts are automatically updated it to modern language and even modern thought, removing the user as thinking mediator! Here are a few examples:
Luke wrote in the dim and irrelevant past, that Christians were to be faithful to Jesus when they "devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers," as Acts 2:42 reminded us. But that is so boring. We all know now that as Rick Warren said at this week's Purpose Driven Conference that "Unfaithfulness is not taking risks". AutoBibleCorrect is so handy to be able to update old verses saying that faithfulness is prayer, teaching, and fellowship to today's hip and fresh message of what faithfulness is really all about - taking risks.
Beth Moore also shows us the value of AutoBibleCorrect. In the stale and useless past, we would read that the Lord considers His Bride sanctified, holy, clean, splendorous, and without blemish as Ephesians 5:27 says. But when Beth Moore used AutoBibleCorrect, we learn that instead, the Bride is actually paralyzed and dwelling in unbelief! WOW!
Do you see the difference AutoBibleCorrect makes? It's critical for any thinking Christian to have this at their disposal, so they no longer have to be burdened with having to think. Questions such as "What does this mean?" or "How can I apply this to my life today?" become irrelevant as AutoBibleCorrect makes it all just so easy for you. How? ABC shows that it's all about you. We understand us way more than we can understand God, because we know now that He is a being who is past our figuring out, (except that we know he is too loving to be wrathful.*)
Another AutoBibleCorrect user is the prophet of perpetual pearly whites, Joel Osteen. Where we read in Genesis 12:3 that God uses words to bless people and curse people, using ABC we learn that the verse is actually that it is you who can bless your future with your words, or you who can curse it! Great update! I curse those who do not buy AutoBibleCorrect! HA HA just kidding!
Kenneth Copeland was one of our first ABC users. We discover that in the long-ago past of Exodus 3:14 God used to say He is the great I AM. However, when we use ABC, we discover that times have changed! Kenneth Copeland taught us the fresh understanding. In the updated Bible version using ABC, Copeland said, uttering these very words, "When I read in the Bible where he [Jesus] says, 'I Am,' I just smile and say, 'Yes, I Am, too!' How did I miss this?! I was not updating my Bible with ABC, that's how.
Our advanced technology brings out these truths to you. Techs have been working for years, emerging finally with the emerging truth, uncovered through using ABC updates. No more stale Bible, only the freshest word here. ABC is contextual. ABC reimagines the truth of God into a tribal narrative so fresh it practically leaps off the screen and runs down the broad road of happiness to the authentic village!
Here are some fake testimonials for AutoBibleCorrect:
Steven Furtick loves this App. "Are you underestimating what you can do with your opportunity?"
Mark Driscoll swears he uses ABC to “Study the Bible like a soldier on a mission, not a scholar on a sabbatical.”
Paula White after trying ABC for one month: "Remember, when something leaves your life, God is making room for something much better to enter! Get ready!"
Kenneth Copeland says that with ABC we can "Dream big, talk big, and turn your faith loose!"
Joyce Meyer says that without AutoBibleCorrect, "You are going to have to do the right things, sometimes for a long time before you get a right result."
Christy Nockels learned early about our Bible App, during pre-launch she said, "So, I couldn’t be more giddy to announce that this is going to launch in the next several days"
See what you would be missing out on, for not having updated your Bible with AutoBibleCorrect.
The community of believers using ABC urge you to get a fresh word now. Join the journey toward an authentic, subjective faith! It will work for you. Why? AutoBibleCorrect is missional, modern, and marvelous! Update your faith now with AutoBibleCorrect the true killer app.
Note: False teacher quotes are not testimonials but are actual quotes.
Note: I used the emergent glossary *here
Note: This essay is satire. AutoBibleCorrect does not exist. No verses were harmed in the making of this essay.
Note: Photos courtesy Pixabay and Unsplash, free use.